Journey into the wilderness, spend time in solitude, and know that God has a better plan for your life. A Divine Plan.

Friday, November 11, 2011

So, Roger & I have been married for about 6 years now. It was a young marriage & we didn't think about how or when we were going to have children. As most people assumed that the reason as to why we got married at such an early age was that, he possibly knocked me up. But the truth of the matter was we never slept together. So the answer was no. We didn't get married because I was pregnant. We got married because two people came together & felt love for each other & wanted to commit to each other for life. We wanted more in our relationship. And we felt that God had made His plans for us pretty obvious. We were to get married. 

At age 15 & Roger was 19, exactly 4 years older, we got married, traditionally/culturally on February 19th, 2005. We've had a great first couple of years testing each other & getting to know each other. Learning our ways & our passions together. We never really planned to have kids right away because we were so young, but we weren't going to use any contraception. We felt that if it was God's plan for us, we would conceive when His time was right. But another year passed by, and then another, and another. And we just couldn't figure out what the problem was wrong.

Well, I kind of felt like it was my fault. I mean, with no protection, you would've thought that we would've conceived right away. But no, we didn't. A little detail that I forgot to mention. Just about a month after our 'wedding,' I missed my period. Now of course, I'm sure anyone would have assumed that they were pregnant. That's what I thought. So Roger & I got kinda of antsy and we decided to run to the store & get a test. I don't recall how expensive it was or what the brand was. But as you can imagine, the result was NEGATIVE. It was pretty heartbreaking. Good thing we didn't tell our family & friends or else it would've been harder on us. 

In that moment when fertility was questionable to us, we felt a sense of joy & we immediately wanted to talk about everything we wanted in life. Kids, family, house, I mean there was so much running through our minds. And in a blink of an eye, it all fades away. Now, my period never really came back. It never restored itself, & to be honest, no pain was in sight, & so I let my body "feel" like it was ok for a long time. Now ladies, unless you have menopause, it is not normal for you to not have a monthly flow. I can't believe how long it took me to actually go out & see a doctor. I tried many things to brush it off. I just thought, "Hey! I know I can have kids! Maybe its just not the right time right now!" But really, I was starting to lose a little hope everyday. 

I'm blessed to have been born into a church going family. I am a Christian. We both are. Christ followers. I'm blessed to have a handful of people around me which include my family & few friends, who've slowly gave me words of encouragement to keep on moving forward & keeping my hopes up. To have FAITH. Most importantly, my husband Roger. Our experiences & times that we share together, and these struggles that we are facing, are bringing us closer together. Not just with eachother, but also with our relationship with God.  But sometimes I feel like no one really understands this feeling of "barren-ness." I truly do believe that in His time,which is the right time, we will conceive. I just want us to be able to open up our hearts & our minds to those of you who care. Asking, for your thoughts & prayers. Which is why today I decided, I'm starting a blog. I don't care if you want to judge us. But this is my space. My blog. And it helps when I can talk about it.

Welcome to our world. There it is. The truth & nothing but. Our pain, our struggles. And its only the beginning....

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