His Side of the Story
Dora’s shared her side of the story of barrenness now I would like to share mine. As the saying goes, “there’s two sides to every story,” how true that saying rings in marriages around the world. But 11 years ago when I got married to the most amazing woman, beautiful, inside and out, I would’ve never thought this would be the situation that we would be in now. Childless. It hurt to see people go through it and even more so when you’re the one going through it yourself. I pictured us with at least 4 children and for some reason I believed that we would be blessed with twins. Even when people told me I was getting my hopes up too high or that science was against me, I continued to believe in a God of impossibilities. But year after year and still no child that hope began to disappear. I began to question God’s loyalty and began to lose trust in Him secretly inside. Feeling like I was deserted in a dry and weary land. Alone, scared and hopeless.
Dora mentioned in her blog that she masked what she was feeling internally. Quite honestly I didn’t know the pain she was facing nor did I care to ask. I was afraid to because I didn’t know what to say to encourage her through the tough times. But I was also seeking for encouragement. None to be found anywhere. It was like we were in the war together, but fighting our own battles. Instead of allowing our struggle to bring us closer together and uniting us, it began to tear us apart. Both of us questioning our own ability to conceive. Both of us tiring to figure out what each of us were going to do next.
Doubt began to settle in and temptations began to arise. I often had thoughts like, “maybe God’s punishing me for my sins, that’s why He’s withholding from us.” Or “maybe He doesn’t see us fit to be parents.” I even had a close relative give me advice to leave my wife. Worst idea yet. I also began facing questions about my manhood. I don’t think any man likes their manhood being questioned. But it really hurt me spiritually and emotionally to hear that from people who I considered family and friends. Maybe they had good intentions to push me to do more to help the situation but that wasn’t what I needed at the time. No one knew what I was going through, not even Dora, not even myself.
“Lord, is this all my fault?” That was my question to God constantly. I was filled with so much anger and bitterness toward barrenness. It got to a point where it was even hard for me to be happy for others who were able to conceive. I found it hard to be happy for them because I was too busy wondering why God hadn’t blessed “me” with a child. I grew envious and had a jealous heart. “What am I doing wrong and what are they doing right? Lord, this isn’t fair!!!” I felt that the God who claimed to love me and wanted the best for me had abandoned me when I needed Him most. And the wife He had given me to take care of would never ever see the day of conception. The blame went back and forth between God and I. Confusion ensued.
Dora and I went seeking for professional help, for medication and herbs that had helped others become fertile and nothing worked. We even came together to fast and pray, expecting that “God would be impressed and surely hear us.” Nothing. I’m reminded of the Isaiah 58:3 – “Why have we fasted, they say, ‘and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?’” We went to God expecting Him to do things our way, things according to our selfish hearts desires. But God had other plans for our lives and it didn’t involve having any children “yet,” but it was for our own good.
Just when it seemed like darkness had overtaken us, the Lord said “Enough is enough, I’m not going to sit back and watch my children go through this any longer,” He began to reveal the Beauty of Barrenness to Dora. You remember at the beginning of my post when I married the “most amazing woman?” Facing this season of waiting and the barrenness of conception, the Lord has used my beautiful wife to show me that, that wasn’t the only barrenness that I was facing in life. I was bleak and lifeless. Like many Christians, I was tricked by Satan into thinking that I was a “Good Christian,” but I didn’t even have a true intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, He WASN’T in my life. Also my marriage had stopped growing and was no longer fruitful, because I viewed Dora as an enemy and not my life long partner. How can He entrust me with something bigger when I couldn’t handle what He’d already given me? The change began when Dora realized that looking to me to lead her in our marriage wasn’t going to end well, because I would end up failing miserably. I didn’t know how to or where to lead us. She turned to the only one who knew how to lead, Jesus.
Here’s the Beauty of Barrenness, when it seemed all hope was lost, and I felt as though the next step was a thousand miles away, it helped me to realize where and who the spring of life flows through. Jesus Christ (John 4:4). My heart yearned for children but my soul thirsted for the quenching power of hope in Jesus. Seeing Dora’s perspective of barrenness change, helped change my outlook on life. Seeing her submit to God and what He’s doing in her life makes me eager to see what He would do in mine if I did the same. Through my season of waiting, He was waiting to see when I would realize that what I needed in life was not a child to give me happiness, but what I needed most was for Him to show me Love, Peace and Joy. Dora and I have found love for Christ and He’s given us a new love for each other, at a level only Christ can take us to. We’ve found peace in knowing that the situations we face are out of our control but not out of His. And lastly we’ve found the joy of tasting what heaven might be like in one another. We are united and in one flesh. All this was through the God I once doubted and had so much anger towards. I believe in a God of IMPOSSIBILITIES. Do you?
Are you in a dry and weary land? Are you getting tired of waiting? Submit everything in you to Him and stop trying so hard to impress Him. The only thing that impresses Him about you, is you realizing your need for Him.
Thank you for reading my story.